March 26, 2015

No picture yet.... I can't control my tears.  He is still with us, but every day is a gift.  It's day to day now.  I can see the mass on his knee growing.  He is the only - repeat the ONLY being in the universe who loves me just because I exist and I'm losing him.   He always positions himself where he can be inconspicuous and still keep an eye on me.  He gives me kisses every time I feed him.  He gazes into my eyes - even though I know I'm not beautiful.  He cares.  Everyone else who loves me has strings.  Not Bear.   No strings.  Just pure, unconditional love. And I'm going to lose him.  Despite my  best efforts.  Soon....  I can't stand this..... I don't know what else to do.  

 

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11/27/23

I still haven't added a picture. He lasted almost another month, but we lost him the end of April, just before my birthday.  It has been over seven years and I still miss him terribly.  In the meantime I lost Bonzai a year ago August and Avalanche, who was a very young pup when I lost Bear, is now an old man and having issues with thyroid and arthritis.  This is the price we pay for the unconditional love we receive.  I still have moments when I am overwhelmed with grief.  He wasn't "just a dog".  He was my friend.

14 - 23 January 2015 - Pages 14 - 23 - The Bottom Drops Out

Sometimes, when worse fears are realized, you have enough warning to prepare.  Other times, maybe the warning signals were there but you chose to ignore them, or they were subtle enough that you just felt this feeling of increasing dread.

And then the bottom falls out.

A year ago we lost our beautiful, sweet, loving Chaco to osteo sarcoma.  Bone cancer.  An insidious, ugly, stealer of life which seems to prey especially on large dogs, gentle giants, those beautiful, sweet protectors we depend on for hugs and security.  The vet told us the usual life span after diagnosis is 45 days.  45 days.  Chaco managed to stay with us for 3 months, but it was because of her extraordinary courage and heart that she managed to do so.  And her love for us.  She knew we were sad beyond sad, and she struggled to hide her pain and act happy for us.

Our consolation was that we had her "big brother" and soul-mate, Bear, still with us.  He has had a tough time since we adopted him from the humane society.  He was barely a year old when we discovered he damaged tendons in both knees which required surgery.  The first surgeries were not successful.  The hardware wasn't strong enough to work with his dense bones, so they both had to be repeated.   But he got around just fine.

The last couple of days he's been limping and not putting much weight on his left hind foot.  We looked at him and found some pebbles and mud stuck between his toes - which of course, we removed.  We thought there might be some cactus spines stuck in his paw but we couldn't find anything like that.  So we called the vet to see if we could find out what might be going on.  After an extensive exam and x-rays, the vet said all indications were that he also has bone cancer.

Bone cancer.  My Bear.  My rock.

There is no cure.  There are few things we can do to help him feel more comfortable.  Pain meds mostly and anti-inflammatories.

I can hardly think.  I can hardly breathe.  I can't look at him without the tears falling.  I'm trying hard not to do that.  He thinks he's done something wrong.

As if he could do anything wrong.  He is and has always been - perfect.  My kids call him St. Bear.  Whoever just left him at the Humane Society was blind to the treasure they had.  I was so lucky to find him and so lucky to have him as my sweet, loyal friend for so long.  I can't stand the thought of losing him.

I love you Bear.

13 and 14 January - Pages 13 and 14 - Ice, Eyes and Avalanche

Winter has truly settled in here in southern Colorado.  Icy fog is everywhere along with hard rime and soft rime on vegetation.

This is hard rime.  It has an almost comb like effect with little crystalline points of frost that stick up from the branch.  Makes for a very pretty and very frigid overall effect.

My eye is still red and angry and inhibits my using manual focus with my camera, so my pictures today are completely auto-focus - which is not always successful because I cannot always tell where the focus is locking. Oh well, I'm still trying.

Avalanche is recovering well from his "tutoring" procedure.  I'm not sure he thinks he gained a lot of knowledge.  He's very disturbed that I accompany him "en leash" for his trips outside and he's not too keen about spending more time in the crate.  I can see it is going to be more and more difficult to keep him quiet as he feels better.  He already wants to run and jump - forbidden activities for the next few days.  Here is a glimpse of earlier times.

 He will be back on the run soon.

Things are still maintaining well in the greenhouse.  This time of year with the major ups and downs in temperature presents challenges to keeping plants going in a greenhouse.  I am hoping the baby plants outside remain dormant.  It's much too early to break dormancy, but it is supposed to be 60 or above this weekend.

10, 11 and 12 January - Pages, 10, 11, 12 - Anticipation, Anxiety and Eye Surgery

Well, the waiting was awful.  We tried to keep busy over the weekend to ease the anxiety, but it only worked for brief moments.  And the Broncos lost their playoff game.  Sigh

We drove to Colorado Springs on icy roads, in snow and fog.  The procedure itself was about as unpleasant as you can imagine with things being stuck into your eye.  Shots and probes and the cryo wand. - not to mention the aparatus that makes you keep your eye open even when it desperately wants to close as tight as can.  Thank goodness, my doctor was competent, soothing, and quick!  

This is how my eye felt when it was all over.

It is red and angry and I had a horrible headache for about 2 hours after the procedure.  I am hoping for a better day tomorrow.

8 and 9 January, 2015 - Pages 8 and 9 - Eye Issues

I have a retina tear in my left eye.  I went to the eye doctor yesterday because I noticed bright flashes of light in the corner of my left eye (that weren't really there) and suddenly lots of new floaters - some very large and some like a downpour of black snow.  I had a vitreous detachment in my right eye a few months ago with similar symptoms, so I was thinking it was probably not serious, but something I needed to get checked anyway.  It is a good thing I did.  The phone was ringing as I walked in the door at home from my eye appointment and it was the retina specialist's office saying they wanted to see me that afternoon.  I explained it would be an hour or so before I could get there (they are nearly 50 miles away) and they decided it would be ok for me to go to Pueblo today, and probably have a laser procedure which would fix the problem.  I went to that appointment (despite freezing rain overnight which left the roads covered with a thin layer of ice) and found out that the laser treatment won't work for my situation because of the location of the tear.  I also have a broken blood vessel behind the retina which explains the cascade of small floaters.  They are actually red blood cells and will eventually re-absorb and go away.  The bigger floaters will take a longer time.  I will go to Colorado Springs for a different procedure which will tack the retina in place.  Without the procedure I will have a 90% chance of a complete retina detachment.  Not a good prospect for a photographer.  So I will go and I will try to endure.  I really hate things near my eye.

Losing my eyesight is one of my greatest fears.    I really hope the doctor has steady hands and is able to fix this.

7 January, 2015 - Page 7 - Avalanche

Avalanche joined our family the first week in May in 2014.  He showed up outside of my daughter's office, crying, cold and full of ticks and clearly abandoned.  She rescued him, fed him, warmed him up, cleaned him up and brought him home (6 hours away) to Mom for her birthday.  He was so tiny, we were concerned about his ability to thrive in our household of a large older dog and 3 cats.  We should not have worried.

He spent the first night screaming his lungs out.  Nothing but getting up and sitting in a chair holding him with a blanket would quiet him.  Bear, our older dog, seemed to be afraid of him, and the cats hissed and spat but gave him a wide berth.   We took him to the vet first thing to get checked out and started on his shots.  He weighed a whopping 7.5 lbs.

He began to grow.  He more than doubled his weight in 3 weeks.

And kept growing.  Our veterinarian said the current philosophy regarding neutering was to wait until 8-9 months when growth plates were completed.  He said there are fewer complications, especially with big dogs - which Avalanche was becoming.  So, we are waiting.

We are not sure what breeds combined to produce this unique specimen.  He does sound like a hound when he's excited.  He can run like the wind.  He definitely marches to his own drum...i.e., he's not a pleaser.  He will mind if chooses to; otherwise, he will try to let you know why you are wrong to try to make him mind.  He has an apparently naturally docked tail.  It was like that when he was found.  It has a bit of a flag like it was meant to be a retriever tail if it was normal length.  It also has an interesting little whirligig whirl at the end.  While he is overall black and tan, the tan parts have speckles like a Brittany or Springer spaniel.  The hair over his back is becoming thick and soft like a Shepherd's fur, but there are longer, harsh reddish hairs on his lower sides and belly - almost like a terrier.  He chews ..... a lot.  He ate a complete rosebush a couple of weeks ago.  But overall, he seems to live life with a tremendous joy and enthusiasm.

His appointment for his "procedure" is Jan. 13th and I have to admit I am a little concerned.  I know it must be done, but I am worried (as I am about everything - ask my kids).  I will update after it's over.

6 January 2015 - Page 6 - Fairy Gardens

I discovered fairy gardens two years ago and have been having tremendous fun putting these little miniature gardens together.  This one guards my front walk and actually looks fairly dismal in winter; however, it will re-bloom and regenerate once Spring comes again.  I left the little fairy and horse out - partly to test their resilience in our winter weather.

The little bench, chair and mushroom were made by Jillian, a fantastic clay artist.  I have ideas for more fairy gardens I will put together this Spring.  Right now, I'm working on propagating special miniature plants for the gardens.

We have several Contorted Willows in our yard.  I currently have a number of cuttings I am growing out and love to use some of the branches in the fairy gardens for portals and arbors.  There are several varieties of willows which have twisted trunks and branches - Contorted Willows (salix tortuoso), Twisted Willows, and Golden Curls are three of the varieties I grow.

This shows how the trunks and branches grow.  They are a lot of fun.

Today was very warm for January.  The high was nearly 70 degrees.  It has already dropped to the low 30's this evening and is supposed to drop to the mid 20's.  Tomorrow is supposed to be cold - barely above freezing if that, but Friday will gift us with another warm day.  January's roller coaster.